Hey ______.

Restarting My Journey of Dance

Chapter 2 - Work Time

Back on this diary flow! (Lame right? Yeah I know.)

I realized that before continuing on to the Starting Anew phase, we must evaluate what happened this weekend. This weekend felt as if Summer had already begun. The days of May 27th to the 30th were probably the longest and hottest days I’ve ever experienced. And the days were all opportunities to think.

So if you hadn’t figured it out, this whole issue exploded one Friday night after a dance practice. Feeling overloaded and unwanted by a certain somebody, I felt like complete and utter shit. Playing basketball with my mates, wasn’t exactly cheering me up. I remember one of them saying “Whoa. So aggressive!”. That’s because I was being aggressive. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone or anything, it just came out that way. The blocks and interceptions I tried to make and the steals I attempted, all hinted that I wasn’t exactly the happiest person at the moment. I was on the verge of giving up.

After two ball games, we headed on to the field at where we practiced. But I of course, wasn’t feeling my good ol’ self, so I barely did anything. I did however have an outburst where I just threw a bunch of random moves, which I knew were crappy because the moves were motivated by anger and I ended up tossing my body around on the turf. Listening to songs that made my mood even worse was a bad idea. Maybe the outcome of the night would’ve changed if I just listened to some happy music. Hey Hendrick, nice advice! Maybe you should use it next time. Listen to Happy Music.

In the first part, you probably already know what happened. Gave up, came home, yelled a lot, cried and went to bed. Short summary but I think it works, right? Just left some things out though, like when I yelled at my girl because she got on my nerves. “Don’t fucking talk to me” I told her. I later realized that she was only trying to make me feel better, but at the moment, I was incredibly pissed off. Other phrases of the night include “Hit me!” and “What the fuck!?” and crap like that. You should already know that it was a painful night for me. And to think I was having such a good day too.

So the next morning, I arise, feeling much better. Still felt pretty bad though. And on top of that, exhausted. My energy was drained and my tears flooded my home just a few hours ago. Either way, I had to suck it up and get ready. It was my first day of work.

Got my clothes ironed, body cleansed, deodorant wiped on and the very little facial hair I had shaved off. Had myself a bowl of cereal before I headed out to what would become the longest 8 hours of my life. Standing and scanning cards, dealing with ridiculous people and having to turn people away. It did a number on my feet; I had no time to sit. I even ate my lunch as I sped walked back to work because the area was so packed.

It was such a good feeling when I clocked out of work. Finished the first day of the job and I felt accomplished. Most importantly, my mind was focused, so I had no thoughts about dancing or anything else that gave me any unwanted stress. However, I was already 4 hours late to World of Dance, an incredible event for dancers that comes just once a year. I would be meeting my fellow dancing friends there after work had ended. Of course, I took the train, and along with me was my friend and coworker, who’s name shall be undisclosed.

I’m glad to have him as a friend. This person whose name shall not be mentioned, gave me some that helped me out a lot. He might not have intended it, since he didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking, but regardless, it was very helpful.

On the train ride there, we obviously spoke to each other. This man was someone who contrasted with me greatly. He was 28 years old to my 17 years. Recently, I learned he had 4 children, with a woman who he split with, making him a single father. He had two jobs and a sister who would help him out when he had to make money for his family. He always has a positive outlook on things, since he experienced so much when he was my age.

So enough of the background check, let’s get on with it. He told me stories about his past and the problems he dealt with. One thing I remember clearly was that he hated on thing more than anything in the world: Thugs. Those who act tough, do and distribute drugs, and hurt people for absolutely no reason. He hated these people because when he was younger, before having his 4 precious kids, he was a thug. He committed these crimes against humanity. He was a problem that couldn’t be stopped, even in prison. He was in newspapers in Puerto Rico for the actions he made, transporting other thugs and drugs from the country to the city of New York. I was talking to a straight up ex con.

But it didn’t matter to me. I knew this guy was a good person. He was being completely honest and he let those problems stay in the past. He taught me during that 30 minute train ride that things always got better. He always thought positively, no matter what happened to him. Even if he was accused of being a devil worshipper in his teenage years (scary right? He was actually incredibly religious during those years, but his shyness and grim attitude led to this accusation). Other stories he told taught me of the importance of persevering. One must always be strong in the face of trouble and adversity in order to get where he needs to be. He was a living example of that.

I thanked him once I got off the train, for the stories and the advice. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t seen him in a while. Always busy, I don’t get the chance to talk to him or at least say hi. I pray that he didn’t lose the job, since he first failed the training exam and just took the retake recently. If he doesn’t pass, then I guess that conversation will be the only memory I have of him. No matter what, he helped me open my eyes and my mind more. I see much more clearly.

NOW! Back to me. With the work done and thoughts still running through my mind, I headed to the event, expecting a different outcome than I expected. You’d be surprised at how I felt when the night ended. With the clock ticking and being crazy late, I walked towards Brooklyn Tech High School, ready to get down and maybe change my mind again. But whatever I felt and believed would have to be shared another night. Recovery has to wait until after the third part of this story: World of Dance.

Restarting My Journey of Dance

Just something I’m doing for me. Since I don’t do crap on this thing anyway, Imma put it here. Someone told me that I was looking for attention when I gave this public message one time. In my head I just thought, “If I wanted attention, I’d just dance and stare at somebody”. Stupid right? Ehh whatever. Trust me, it works. But since everyone ends up putting their thoughts into this place anyway, then why not? Let me do what I want. It’s my account anyway. Hate it or love it. Even disregard it. It’s up to you. But for those who wanna know why I stopped what I loved to do, read on. Maybe you’ll have a better understanding. Just know what whatever you say, whether it motivates me, puts me down or you’re trying to give me advice, only I can make the decision. And I listen to me. Whatever advice I use, comes from my own head. And at times my brothers. But that’s just my brother. Isn’t that his job?

Chapter 1  - The Stress

Before we start this off, take out all the thoughts of you thinking this is for bitches. You know what I mean. You’re probably thinking, “This is a diary. I’m writing a fucking diary. Why the hell am I doing this?” You know exactly why you’re doing this. You know that this is necessary in order to rise from this fall. If you wanna get back on track, you’re gonna have to reevaluate everything that led to this crash, starting off with Chapter 1 - THE STRESS.

Why are you stressed anyway? You’re just a kid.

So what?! I’m a junior. A lot to worry about. My future, my love life and making something of myself. I always looked at my stress in four separate pillars, like the pillars of hip hop. In hip hop, there’s graffiti, emceeing, deejaying and bboying. For my stress, there’s School, Work, Girl and Dancing.

School: Important for your future. You need good grades to get into a good college. You need to study for SATs and regents but you never have the time. School work always builds up and when everything comes together, the four stress pillars that is, it’s just too much to handle. You need to ease up something but school is something you absolutely need. School always comes first, so stress would definitely grow when you have a lot of responsibilities besides school work.

Work: Something you’ve always wanted to have. This is your first job. You feel that now since you have a job, you’re on top of the world. You’re growing up. It’s a way to feel independent and that you’re doing something good not only for yourself, but for other people as well. You can’t just quit because then it would be bad for your resume. Don’t get yourself fired because that’s even worse! But why would you? Since you turned 12, you’ve always wished to have a job. Get some money so you don’t have to always ask your mom to go out. Buy the things you want and maybe the things other people want. Another responsibility that works in conjunction with the other pillars of stress, causing problems and interfering with the others in a way as well.

Girl: Your lover. Your life. Your baby. Your wife. This girl is your world. You know this. And she knows this. Even if she causes you stress, you always come back. It wouldn’t be surprising if you came back after she cheated on you. Because you love her that much. You waited over a year for her, and it all paid off. You wouldn’t just let her go just because you felt a burden on your shoulders. In a way, she may be a cause of stress, but also a stress reliever. You look at her and you see the most beautiful girl in the world. Now why the hell would you wanna throw away the most beautiful girl in the world? Because you’re having a hard time? It happens to the best of us. She isn’t someone you can just throw away and get back. You know this, so you won’t let her go. You need her, more than you know.

Dancing: The big one. Your passion. It’s been your life for the past 3 years. It’s something you have been looking forward to after the end of a school day or during those hot summer days. A way to pass time and make something of yourself. A way to escape from the stress you’ve built up over a period of time.
Until now…

Until a certain point of time, dance was a haven for you. It was a way to meet new people, grow and make friends. Friends you would even consider your own family. It’s an incredible thing. Music and movement together. But now, it’s all changed. Dancing soon became more work than it was play. Instead of dancing for yourself and how you felt, you’re mindset changed. It then became about the people who watched and what they thought. The perception of the people and what would have them entertained. Because of this mindset, you’ve changed your methods. Things you thought were cool, aren’t so cool anymore. Things that made you go “OH!” just make you go “eh”.

Ever since those recent failures, you felt so different about dance.

You wanted dance to be your future. You didn’t think about anything else. You didn’t wanna do science or math. No interest in culinary arts or being a technician of some sort. All you thought about was becoming big. Blowing up. Being that source of inspiration for others, instead of being the one inspired. Reaching the pinnacle of success. That’s what you wanted. That’s what you thought about. But after those losses, how can you continue?

How you felt after those defeats: Sadness. Weakness. Wanting to quit. Feeling like you weren’t good enough. Unmotivated.

Yeah. Nothing good. Dancing became a source of stress. Trying to be so good when you should’ve just been dancing for yourself.

So when it came down to it, when the stress built up to it’s peak and you just couldn’t take it, you decided to quit. Game over. You sent that message to your crew members and others unintentionally. It had to be done. Things just weren’t going the right way. You didn’t feel any improvement, and it just felt like a waste of time.

On the last day of April, I only told one person about my thoughts of giving up dancing. That person cried when I did. What had been building up inside and how I felt about where I was going. I was already crying. I walked around just crying. I doubt anyone had any idea why. Damn, I’m a bitch ain’t I?

That day, Friday, May 27,2011, I gave up on dancing. Something I loved so much. Maybe even more than myself. I gave it up. That day was devastating. No hope. Just complete sadness and unwillingness to continue.

I broke down, harder than I had ever broken in my life. I argued with my father, provoking him as I cried. Taunting him and commanding him to hit me, as if I wanted it. Maybe I did. Maybe it would’ve took my mind off of the stress. Or maybe I’m an emo. Who knows? What became a personal problem led to an entire house of problems. My mom yelling, my father going insane and even my brother stepping in. I even yelled out in the streets that night. It was too much for once person to handle at the time. I wanted to stop. Not just dancing either. Everything. Work, dance, school and girl. It was like a bunch of cups and water was the stress. Each cup overflowed to the point that they had to be emptied, and even one thrown out. I poured one cup and threw it away. Dance. The cup of dance. It was like telling a friend “I’m not your friend anymore”. I just let it go.

But now, I don’t feel as crappy as I did. The stress has eased a tad. But dancing must still be put on hold. The stress cannot be built up again. I cannot afford to feel this overload of stress and breakdown again. This cannot be the time to continue. Many things to worry about and prepare for. Dancing must wait. Once the stress has eased enough, we can continue on to the next part of this self realization and recovery: Starting anew.